MOTHER GWYNETH PUTS VINEGAR ON APPLE’S THUMB to STOP the THUMB-SUCKING!

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DEAREST FRIENDS of CHRIS:

Here is an opportunity for you to pray for the healing of the Martin family.

“Gwyneth Paltrow is desperate to curb her 8-year-old daughter Apple’s thumb-sucking habit.

Our source reveals: ‘Gwyneth dips Apple’s thumb in vinegar when she sucks it too much.’

Yikes!” Yikes is right! Poor Apple is still sucking her thumb! (Well, at least the poor dear isn’t still wetting the bed.)

Perhaps Mother did not breastfeed the girl long enough but more likely Mother did not offer Apple a binkie when she was a tyke so now the child has an oral fixation on her thumb! The reason why many children continue to suck their thumbs long after toddlerhood has to do with the psychological needs of the child. The Church is concerned because if Apple does not stop the thumb-sucking, she will be at risk for dental and speech problems. The top jaw begins to form a gap in the front where the thumb is always placed causing an open bite. Other problems include a cross bite,crooked teeth, malocclusions, lisps, or a tongue thrust. These deformations must not occur to the angelic progeny of our Blessed Coldplay warbler.

Our congregation must ceaselessly pray for Apple to overcome this habit. Our spiritual intervention is important. We must not cast aspersions on Mother Gwyneth’s suitability as a mother or Chris as a father. Please go to your Chris Martin Shrine & light a YELLOW candle for little Apple to overcome the scourge of thumb-sucking.

PRAYER TO THE HEAVENS for the REMITTANCE of THUMB-SUCKING by APPLE MARTIN:

Gracious Heavenly Helpers and Exalted Souls of the Church of Chris Martin. Please hear our appeal for your aid to strengthen little Apple Martin and allow her to overcome her bad habit of putting her thumb in her mouth and sucking it like a baby. She is of the blessed seed of the Great One, Chris Martin, and thusly greatly deserving of the Church’s intervention in helping her overcome the sucking habit.

Allow Apple to gain the grace, discipline and strength to stop herself from placing her thumb in her mouth. Encourage the one who tumbled from the womb of Mother Gwyneth and is the first born of the Martin clan. The Church will hold a special faith-healing service where the pious and devout faithful will channel healing vibrations to the mouth of Apple which will anoint this sweet girl with the desire to no longer stick her dirty thumb in her mouth.

May the Glory of Chris fall upon you and may all blessed in the goodness of Coldplay consecrate his young daughter with a morbid cleansing of the desire to thumb-suck. It is done. Hallelujah!

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