The Most Holy Sisters of Divine Perpetual Adoration in Coldplay are pleased to announce a blessed new business venture:
CHRIS MARTIN HOLY WATER!
This is just not ANY kind of bottled water, but free trade, organic water culled from the mighty green hills and valleys of Devon, England–land in which our wondrous warbler once roamed as an innocent child. Here, from the earth springs eternal, comes the living Coldplay waters of Chris. Our nuns take this supreme H20 and then bless it by exposing this bottled water to 100 solid hours of nonstop Coldplay music–thereby anointing this sacred water with the irredeemable Martian mark of goodness.
Lest our more devout followers worry that we are turning these pious nuns into working chattel, please know these Holy Sisters came up with the business proposal idea–to turn the Living Waters of Chris into a profitable venture that will share the glory of Chris in a (recyclable) bottle. The Divine Perpetual Adoration Order realized they too needed to come up with a plan to help finance the important work this virtual church does around the world to spread the Gospel of Coldplay.
Most Devout Holy Mother Agneta said “We are excited about our Chris Martin Holy Water project for so many reasons! It is a new, revenue building venture for us. It will help us to sustain our communal life of endless prayer and eternal devotion to Chris. Much of our eagerness stems from the divine collaboration between our sisters, the local Devon, U.K. community, friends of the Holy Monastery, and The Church of Chris Martin. We look forward to the entrepreneurship opportunities we will be able to offer many young women whom our Order hopes to welcome into the nunnery of Chris.
Chris Martin Holy Water is purified bottled drinking water using the free trade Reverse Osmosis process. Once the glorious water is bottled in Devon, it is then blessed by a consecrated 100 hours of intense Coldplay music exposure. Though the Chris Martin Holy Water is designed as a multi-faith product, each sacred bottle has a Coldplay lyrical quote message on the label.
A single bottle contains 16.9oz of purified Martian water. Each case contains 24 bottles.
We hope our customers use this most glorified liquid for many purposes than what we originally intended.
Take the water of Chris to friends in hospitals and hospices.
Use it to open up discussion about faith, music & Coldplay.
Donate some to our fighting men and women overseas for spiritual support.
Bless sports teams by using the sanctified waters of Chris for teams during sporting events.
Use it to fill the radiator of an overheated vehicle.
As you can see, the usages of Chris Martin Holy Water are many and the blessing unending. But I have a warning for those who take this Holy Water of Chris and use it in an improper manner!
WARNING! Beware of our warning:
“If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral and anal irritations.”
The Sisters of Perpetual Adoration thank you for all of your support. May the Blessings of Chris rain upon you and yours.