Dearest Friends & Saints:
It has come to the attention of the Church Elders that a beloved Soul in Chris, Novice Nun and Sister Chastity has had a revelation that she wishes to share with the congregation. Sister Chastity has authorized me to advise the Church of Chris Martin that she is desirous of attempting to experience an Immaculate Chris Martin Conception.
Because of the immense success The Church has experienced this year with the Coldplay Redemptions, various ministry outreach activities and the faith healings of the Potato-headed cripple and others, The Blessed Virgins of Chris wish to pray and seek a miracle of an immaculate conception. The devout and pious women insist that they are certain that they will be able to invoke a true miracle to call forth the holy spirit of Chris to overcome a young lady of the purest character and reputation to bring forth a blessed Coldplay progeny.
Whilst some parishioners might find this unseemly and even somewhat sacrilegious, the Church must support this young novice, as she feels called upon to uphold the glory of Chris. Sister Chastity will prepare for the Martian assumption by immersing herself for 24 hours in a specially prepared bath of Holy Chris Water. Then, after an anointing with YELLOW incense and Violet Hill oils, the hopeful mother will offer prayer and seek solace in the Chapel of Chris, where she will wait for the spirit of conception to seek her by listening to Coldplay music until the divine intervention occurs.
This great undertaking heralds us to celebrate the Feast of the Immaculate Martin Conception, whereby the Church faithful will offer spiritual support to our young hopeful and pray that she becomes impregnated with the Miracle of Coldplay conception. The Bible says that if one has faith, you can move a mountain. The Church says, if one has faith, it is possible to get lucky with Chris! We hold these self-truths to be inevitable. May the majesty of Chris Martin overtake our pure Sister Chastity and bless her with a virtuous example of the Coldplay miracle. Amen.