My Most Holy Friends & Saints:
Lest there be any doubt as to the clout of Bono out of U2, be aware that he has put our beloved Marion-worshipping Pope Benedict up to requesting, on Christmaas Day no less, that we reinstate the egomanical Irish warbler into Church of Chris Martin sainthood! Despite the fact that Bono took up the lost cause of Courtney “Hole” Love and wrote a letter on her behalf, we, the most exalted Church of Chris Martin, are now asked to forgive these transgressions against our virtual Chapel of Coldplay adoration and welcome back into the fold–the duplitious and demon-consorting U2 frontman?
I went to the Shrine of Saints and forwarded a Holy Spirited message to our dearest dead Saint, Holy Cobain out of Nirvana. Being as this great musician and heavenly soul is a Church Elder amongst the clouds, I wished to know if the talented and wise Seattle “suicider” cared to forgive Bono of his heinous sins against the Church and Cobain’s True Widow?
Being the Great Soul of Mercy that Saint Cobain truly is, and not some drug-adled guitar-thumper, the supreme Nirvana Master sent forth a spirit of forgiveness and charity towards the U2 frontman, as long as the Irish crooner recants his mistakes of aiding the Vicious Vagina from Hole. The Church of Chris Martin will hereby send a lithsome liason to “meet” with Bono. No, this is not some more “pre-tour-training.” A covenant shall be drawn up providing that Bono breaks from his demon-friendship with the herpes-infested junkie Courtney Love and never again takes up any cause on her behalf.
Shall Bono proclaim this, we, The Church of Chris Martin will reinstate him as Primary Church Saint in the Chapel of Coldplay. We do this in a spirit of yuletide love and adoration of the Prophet Martin, respect and admiration for our heavenly Saint Cobain and as a show of true friendship for the Vatican City-dwelling Pontiff, whom all at the Church hold dear in our thoughts and prayers.
Let this ecumenical announcement go out among the blessed congregants and holy parishioners of the Church of Chris, that Bono is coming back, providing he is on his best behavior. Holy Elder Emmanuel Elijah declares this to be so, and Bono will be reinstated on the Martian Birthday Celebration Conclave in March 2013. It is done! Merry Christmas to all! Amen.