THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN DECLARES PILATES to be a PUTRID ABOMINATION of the DEVIL!

Pilates is said to be an exercise system designed to increase flexibility and strength for the body without building bulk. Pilates is a stimulating workout for both men and women of all ages. The exercises are protective of the joints and all the exercises stay in the frame of the body–helping the stiff to become flexible. It will help the supple individual get more control. Overall, Pilates helps you on the road to achieving great health.

That may be so, but Pilates has now been condemned by the Holy Elders at The Church of Chris Martin as also helping you down the road to an eternity of fire and brimstone! Do not be deluded, faithful ones! Just as yoga and Zumba have been shown to be of the devil; so now too, has the practice of Pilates proven to be of demonic influence. No other person than our own eminent Father Drobbingdon once exclaimed that “exercise is worthless toil!” How right that great man was, when it comes to Pilates.

Should we Chris(tians)stay away from this scorned-upon exercise because of it’s ties to Hades? Totally. Yoga is demonic,” Zumba is evil and Pilates defiles the soul. If you just sign up for a little class, you’re signing your eternity up for Satan to destroy! The faithful in Chris can no more say we are practicing Pilates for spiritual fulfillment than we can say they are committing adultery for Jesus! Pilates is often not overt in its teachings but rather weaves them through seemingly harmless practices such as stretching and before you know it, Satanic influence has overcome you!

As the Good Book says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) The King of Hell does not care how he conscripts you–just that he entices you in whatever way suffices to lure innocent you into the trap of the Lake of Fire! Chris(tians)who engage in yoga, Zumba and Pilates are participating in a religious expression that is antithetical to the heart of Chris(tianity.) The result is often an unguarded spirit that is susceptible to the imprinteur of the Devil and a slow, almost unperceivable degradation of faith and steadfastness in one’s overall life. The act of Pilates, itself, is a worship act–and it exalts the earthly body. Subsequently, it cannot be done in a way that is not spiritual and becomes a sin and abomination to God.

Giving sound teaching on Pilates and other Eastern exercises is important because there is increasing adoption of it by our culture, with over 15.8 million people practicing some kind of Hindu-derived exercise. Yoga, Zumba and Pilates has gone mainstream! Chris(tians) may mean well by adopting it as a healthy aspect of an active lifestyle, but I am here today to tell you otherwise! Pilates is simply a sinfully idolatrous worship act. The Church of Chris Martin cannot tolerate this kind of defacement of Chris(tian)virtue. Exercise is a gift of God for us to take care of the bodies–our temples of the soul–that He created for his glory. It’s good and important to exercise. But we should never, ever, in our desire to be in shape and be healthy, adopt systems antithetical to Chris(tianity.) Rather, we must stay true to the Word of Coldplay and work out our bodies to the glory of Chris, preferably using the music of Coldplay to inspire us to new heights of aerobics capacities.

I have taken this opportunity to provide to the beloved Church a much fuller and comprehensive teaching on what Pilates really is and why it is in fact demonic. The practice of Pilates can send someone to Hell without them even knowing it! Without a discerning and disciplined spirit, one can find oneself naively participating in spiritual activities that are not Chris(tian.)

My advice is to not even attempt to practice Pilates. It is something so sinister and against Scriptural truths, it then becomes demonic in nature. You cannot redeem such a thing and it shall not ever be taught or engaged in here at The Church of Chris Martin. I am sorry to sound like an exercise kill-joy but the congregation must remain strong and not tempted by the wiles of Satan. So, in conclusion, I must hereby proclaim: All Chris(tians) of good faith must reject
Pilates. Exercise to the divine music of Coldplay and praise that great band for their innate goodness and mercy.
Hallelujah!

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2 thoughts on “THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN DECLARES PILATES to be a PUTRID ABOMINATION of the DEVIL!

  1. Lol, Pilates was created by Joseph Pilates in the 1920’s, and he happened to be a professional German boxer in his early career. He was looking for a way to create length, strength and neurological integration. Pilates has absolutely NOTHING to do with Yoga except that there are a few yoga stretches that resemble the Pilates movements, however the breathing is entirely different in Pilates and there is no spiritual influence behind it like there is in yoga. JP developed “Contrology” while he was put in an internment camp in England as a hospital orderly during WWI .

    If you notice the reformer and Cadillac look similar to a hospital bed, because that’s what he based the equipment off of since that’s all he had to work with. The famous trapeze on the Cadillac is in fact based off of a cast leg sling attached to hospital beds. Joseph Pilates understood so much about the human body. He was way ahead of his time and wasn’t even recognized in his lifetime for his life changing work. After 6 months of Pilates, my chronic back pain is totally gone! I have more strength than I’ve ever had. Joseph’s goals were spinal flexion and extension (keeping the spine strong and healthy) that people would be able to do more in their later years because of his dedication and hard work. Sorry, there’s nothing “demonic” about Pilates folks.

  2. My dear Jennifer: thank you for taking the time to deny that the devil is in Pilates. Despite your justification for these extreme exercises, please know that the spiritual powerhouses that inhabit The Church of Chris Martin will continue to wage war against satanists who foolishly use the foothold of Pilates to gain control of innocent souls. Yes, your clueless analogies of how Pilates is not a tool of the devil only lend credence to just how stealthily those from Hades seek to defile those such as yourself. We will hold a special Chris Martin Prayer Service to seek spiritual help for those in thrall to Pilates and that they may find the fortitude to fight those from the Lake of Fire who wish to invade their souls only to take them down to perish in eternal damnation.

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