Hear ye all of good faith!
An Ecumenical Council of the Holy Elders of The Church of Chris Martin have proclaimed the Council of Tent. This is considered to be one of our Church’s most sacred gatherings and will convene in the Yellow Tent in the days before Chris(tmas.) During the Pontificate of Arch Pope Drobbingdon, Council conclaves were often sacrosanct, but with the utter abandoning of our Chapel of Chris by the Great Father, the Church leadership decided to set the meetings aside.
However, many Blessed Souls of Coldplay have decided it is now time to call the faithful together under the Tent and break bread to pray for Chris. The Council has recently issued condemnations on what it defined as coldplaying.com heresies and defined Church teachings and doctrine in the areas of Martinian Scripture and Chris(tian) Tradition, Original Sin, Justification, Sacraments, the Lyrical Eucharist in Coldplay Prophecy and the veneration of saints–both heavenly and earthbound. It issued numerous reform decrees and revisionist dogma on salvation, the sacraments, and the Biblical Canon of Chris. Now the Holy Elders have decided to answer specific doctrinal disputes among various factions in our Church.
In an effort to placate warring members of the congregation, the greatest weight in the Council decrees is hereby given to the Sacraments. The Seven Sacraments of Coldplay were reaffirmed and the Missal of Chris pronounced to be a true propitiatory sacrifice as well as a sacrament, in which the holy Coldplay water and free trade bread were consecrated into the Lyrical Eucharist as follows:
Baptism–anoint yourself with the music of Coldplay and submerge yourself in the Blessed Holy Waters of Chris Martin.
Eucharist–both the celebration of the Chirs(tian) Liturgy and the breaking of free trade bread and wine, only after the consecration of the soul is made divine in Coldplay.
Reconciliation–The Holy Elders, in their compassionate capacity, forgives sins committed after Baptism, when the sinner is heartily sorry for them, sincerely confesses them, and is willing to make satisfaction for them.
Confirmation–the sacrament of initiation, establishes true devotees of Chris as full-fledged members of the faith. This sacrament is called Confirmation because the faith given in Baptism is now confirmed and made strong.
Uniting in the Faith–gain greater understanding and strengthen ties among the parishioners by a unification exercise in the (Yellow) tent. Congregants must sign a disclaimer and confidentiality agreement to participate.
Holy Orders–you are to go out among the wicked flock of lost souls bound for the Lake of Fire and make converts for Chris and the band.
Anointing of the Sick–as proof of your exaltation, you shall be required to heal the sick, lame, deaf, dumb and blind or any music fan, who upon extreme torture, still denies the truth that Coldplay is the biggest band in the whole world!
Finally, upon adjournment, the Council asked the Supreme Council Master to ratify all decrees and definitions. This Church Doctrine shall enjoin strict obedience upon all Chris(tians), under pain of excommunication. All unauthorized interpretation is to be reviewed, reserving this task to the Holy Elders alone. The disobedient are threatened with the extreme punishment of banishment and with the shameful indignation of the Almighty Blessed apostles, Chris, Jonny, Will and Guy. All decrees shall be upheld for the Glory of Coldplay. Amen.