Holiest Deacon and Brother Emmanuel Elijah has come forward at today’s Chapel of Chris service to put forward a heartfelt plea for consideration of reinstating Bono out of U2 back into his esteemed Saintly pedigree.

Though Bono has insulted The Church of Chris Martin and the beloved True Widow by consorting with the devil, Vicious Vagina Courtney Hole Love, many true believers feel that Bono was tricked by the shrewish harridan into writing a letter on her behalf. Perhaps the Irish warbler was not in his right mind due to lingering health concerns from the passionate battering Bono suffered from a pious female Church volunteer who put out the U2 crooner’s back in some vigorous “pre-tour training” back before the 360 Tour commenced.

However the Guinness Guzzler is redeeming himself by speaking out on behalf of Africa and the poverty crisis there. Whether Bono knew that Africa is held near and dear to the hearts of those souls at this Church who realize that Chris Martin is into Africa and that the Coldplay piano player might also appreciate female jungle bunnies as well, is pure conjecture at this point.

With U2 on hiatus and Bono roaming the world with his do-gooder impulses in full swing, Our Deacon suggests now is the time to re-annoint Bono and reinstate his Sainthood. At a Conclave to be held soon, Bono would need to appear in person and recant his aide of the loathsome Hole singer and confess his sins that he was not in his right mind at the time.

This is something that we must pray on to the cherished heavenly soul of Saint Cobain, who guides The Church of Chris Martin in all things spiritual and musical. Will the late Nirvana grunge God find it in his golden heart to forgive the slights of lecherous Bono and send a message of compassion to us earthen-bound folks?

Please visit the Shrine of Chris in the Coldplay Meditation Garden soon and send your plea to Saint Cobain for a clear vision and resolution to the Bono conundrum. Our Irish Exalted One has shown remorse and done good works in faith to help restore his good name here. We must also return that compassion, providing Bono has turned over a new leaf and promises to never again breath, in the same room, the same putrid air that the blackened lungs of the Hole demon sucks in.

Arise, ye of good standing and proclaim that Bono out of U2 is yet desirous and deserving of a remission of Church punishment and a blessed restoration of his good name. May all in Chris rejoice!! Amen.


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