In a bold ecumenical move sure to keep the cold war alive between coldplaying.com and The Church of Chris Martin, the Vatican Holy See denounced the “false sincerity” of the coldplaying.com marauders as “no longer responding to reality” and a “scandalously indecent expose of turgid hubris.” What has riled the Pontiff is that those defilers from wanker-ville have sent many invitations to devout Church of Chris Martin members–inviting them to join in coldplaying.com’s “Secret Santa festivities.” Pope Benedict is rightly offended by such atrocities and coldplaying.com’s “false promises” that do not hide their evil blandishments to the innocent among us.

“It is the responsibility of The Church of Chris Martin to educate consciences, to teach moral responsibility and to unmask the evil, to unmask this idolatry and loathsome display of intemperate ignorance” displayed by coldplaying.com. The group of nitwits at coldplaying.com seeks to “enslave man, to mask the truth with lies from the gutter, and promote the fraud that is behind their abominations.” The Vatican City Pontiff railed against the
coldplaying.com cultures in which “the truth does not count, in which all that counts is the spirit of calumny and destruction; a culture which does not seek goodness; a culture which uses its morality as a mask to confuse and destroy.”

To that end, the Marion-worshiping leader of Catholics worldwide signed an apostolic exhortation called “The Pledge for Chris Martin Divinity” containing conclusions from a 2009 synod of Coldplay-redeemed bishops, deacons and Holy Elders which upholds a reconciliation between The Church of Chris Martin and coldplaying.com as it’s ultimate goal.

In the meantime, the Blessed Benedict has issued a Directive of Progress that he prays will serve as a guide to The Church as it relates to relations with coldplaying.com. “It is possible to look back and be amazed at the ecumenical progress that has been made at all levels through the action of the many souls in thrall to Chris Martin. It is equally possible to look forward and perhaps feel daunted by the difficulties that still lie ahead.”

Friends, rest in the sacred knowledge that the great spiritual mission of The Chapel of Chris will never waver as it seeks to spread the Coldplay Gospel to a world full of despicable devils and forlorn wretches racked with sin. Rejoice in the knowledge that we have a powerful friend over in Rome who is not afraid to stick it to coldplaying.com when the feverish pustules of impunity get out of hand. Viva!


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