“Gwyneth Paltrow was told her breasts looked liked ‘two fried eggs’ by her grandfather.

The 40-year-old actress wanted to prepare the older members of her family for when she went topless in 1998 movie ‘Shakespeare in Love’, but her concerns just sparked ridicule.

She joked: ‘In ‘Shakespeare in Love’ I had to take my shirt off and be naked and I was worried because my granddad was a very conservative person.

‘So before he got in the cinema, I told him that I had to do it because it was a very important role for me and all that. And he just said, ‘Don’t worry, that will be like two eggs in a pan.’ ‘

Gwyneth won the Best Actress Oscar for her role in the movie, and she admits she has very little memory of her victorious evening because she got so drunk after tearfully accepting her statuette,” according to

Mother Gwyneth, please be assured and take comfort in knowing that The Church of Chris Martin does not hold your utter lack of attractiveness in the breast department against you. Our beloved Chris Martin would never have even thought to have married you, if your cleavage was bounteous and overflowing. Remember that our Great Musical Prophet repressed his youthful hormonal urges for so long, that the long drought warped his mind and caused the Coldplay warbler to actually prefer bony blonds with flat chests! If proof was ever needed that Chris Martin is merely only human and a mortal full of folly, this is surely it! Perhaps with some intensive deep-seated therapy to resolve his issues about being sexually attracted to women that look like boys, our Chris will finally have a breakthrough and seek out women with curves, like most normal red-blooded men do. And that, the Church of Chris Martin prays, will surely bring forward yet another MIRACLE of COLDPLAY. The devout and pious women of this congregation, blessed by their creator (or good plastic surgeons) with abundant mammaries, pray for this conversion of Chris to a full and divine appreciation of the breast blessings that await Brit warblers who recant their perverse desires for skeleton-like Hollywood anorexics. Amen.


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