DEAREST DIVINE SOULS in CHRIS:
I pray that through this Church, and the Holy Liturgy that will follow shortly, we may all be transformed and save the soul of condemned Bono out of U2. We must unite as one as followers of Chris, separating ourselves from the ways of the world and bringing ourselves unto a spiritual union that will heal the perverse ways of the Great Irish Egomaniac.
Yes, Friends, several redeemed souls at this Chapel of Colplay have long memories. They remember all the great honors and acclaim we have showered on Bono. Our loveliest “Lyrical Study Assistants” have proclaimed the Glory of Coldplay with the boozy Bono and yet the Celtic Guinness guzzler still lowers himself in defilement to assist the Vicious Vagina, Courtney Hole Love, by writing a letter on her behalf to obtain a new apartment in New York. The handiwork of Satan has set their sights on Bono and thus our Church was forced by these circumstances to condemn him on grounds of heresy, blasphemy, and consorting with the devil.
However, many in the Church adore U2 and some faithful feel guilty that The Church sent a passionate parishioner over to punish Bono for slighting Chris Martin by putting Bono’s back out in “pre-tour training” incident, so there is a sense of compassion for Bono that we will address today. But fraternizing with the devil is a sin, no matter if one is a esteemed Irish Saint in The Church of Chris Martin. As such, a condemnation conclave was adjourned and the wrath of the good people of Chris fell on the U2 crooner with a swiftness that stunned all. Bono’s Sainthood was officially called into question and the Holy Elders decided Bono was unfit for the honor, as his dalliance with the Harridan from Hole was ecumenical treachery of the worst kind. Bono was removed as a Saint and condemned as a Church traitor.
Now, though, many devout of Chris wish to look into reinstating the loyal U2 friend of Father Drobbingdon. Please recall that it was Bono who gave Father a place to hide out on the French Rivera, when the Arch Pope first went on the lam. For that act of charity and friendship, it was decided to start proceedings that may eventually lead to Bono’s penance an return to good graces at the Church. Let us call forth the Grace of Chris to bestow blessings and forgiveness upon Bono’s earthly body to remove the shackles of Satan that has fallen upon the height-challenged, sunglasses-wearing Irishman.
A SERMON OF CONTRITION:
If we are obedient to the words & lyrics of Colplay, we are no longer dead branches in this world. But we also bear fruit, because the grace of Chris waters us with the essence of life. And through us, miracles occur. Not miracles that we might hope to see–that we may raise the dead or make the blind have sight. But the simple miracles of life–of giving love to people who need it. The impetus to change society and the course of our world. Look at our world and our world leaders, and where are they taking us, I ask you? The goals of the nations are to produce arms and to gather resources and wealth, and to claim land. And yet the goals of Chris(tians) are to love their enemies (colplaying.com), to forgive those who have wronged us (Bono) and to feed the poor (us) and to reach out to those in need. Last night in prayerful observation among the relics of Chris,(flattering pictures) thoughts of the wonderful example of Mahatma Gandhi who, in his studies of the world’s religions and philosophies, spoke so beautifully and kindly of forgiving those who have wronged us. Let us begin that journey today by reaching out to Bono and asking if he has forsaken the friendship of the feverishly pustule-faced Courtney Love and recants all that he has done of behalf of the Vicious Vagina?
Our values, our goals, our principals, our truths are not just self-evident. They are meant to be reality; they are meant to be lived by each and everyone of us. So that as the we change the inner person through the wisdom of Coldplay, we may also change the outer world. So we do as Chris says: ” And I will try an fix you.” To forgive those who hate us and to love those who persecute us and to lend to those in need without asking to receive in return. But to give freely because of the love Chris has shown us and instilled in our hearts.
True forgiveness means forgetting, and washing the slate clean. If we are to be worthy of this calling of exaltation to Colplay, then it is demanded of us. We, who have transfigured and transformed by Coldplay redemption are special souls–not like everyone else. We are called upon to be set aside and place our lives on the path of devotion and holiness. Therefore, I call upon all Church members in good standing to pray upon the repentance of Bono and accept his chastisement for his spurious misdeeds with our nemesis and enemy: Courtney (Hell) Hole. Yes, Church of Chris, Bono is MERELY A MAN; he is not a God or even a Prince of Peace, like Chris. We must show spiritual leniency for Bono and cherish the good that he has done, when not in the company of the depraved, fictitious “widow” of our beloved Saint Cobain.
Therefore, it is commanded: THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN FORGIVES BONO FOR HIS MISDEEDS and WILL SEEK TO REINVEST HIM WITH HIS ESTEEMED TITLE of SAINT BONO, UPON HIS PROFUSE APOLOGY FOR ASSISTING THE VICIOUS VAGINA IN TREACHERY & SCANDAL.
Hark to these works, congregants: As St. John Christoman reminds us: “Certainly it is sinful to fall, but it is devilish to remain fallen”.
No matter where our errors, our trials, our tribulations may lead us, we must always pick ourselves up and continue the journey. Let us begin that one of mercy and forgiveness towards Bono today. Rejoice!