The U2 torch of greatness has now passed onto Coldplay! Praise to All in Faithful Glory!

Yes, it is the truth! (Condemned) Saint Bono may not wish to let it go, but it is gone! I am not just basing this assertion on sales figures, although Coldplay does now outsell the Irish crooners by a landslide. U2 can still rake in the millions with live concerts, as the 360 Tour is a prime example of that spectacular showmanship. Despite the good work of a devout Church of Chris Martin female volunteer, who managed to put the back of Bono out during some passionate “pre-tour training,” U2 can give Coldplay a run in the anthemic arena tour department.

Oh yes, Rolling Stone managed to make condemned Vicious Vagina pal, Bono, appear Christ-like as they gushed incessantly. “It’s amazing that the biggest band in the world (U2) has so much integrity and passion in its music. Our society is thoroughly screwed, fame is a ridiculous waste of time, and celebrity culture is disgusting. There are only a few people around brave enough to talk out against it, who use their fame in a good way. And every time I try, I feel like an idiot, because I see Bono actually getting things achieved. While everyone else was swearing at George Bush, Bono was the one who rubbed Bush’s back and got a billion dollars for Africa. People can be so cynical — they don’t like do-gooders — but Bono’s attitude is, “I don’t care what anybody thinks, I’m going to speak out.” He’s accomplished so much with Greenpeace, in Sarajevo, at the concert to shut down the Sellafield nuclear plant.”

Well, wait a minute right there! Who trumpets fair trade and even went to a Cancun Summitt to make their point? Our Chris Martin. Coldplay brought along Oxfam volunteers and set up a table to solicit donations for the charity at every stop of their worldwide Viva la Vida tour. How about meat-free Mondays? Coldplay asked their fans to refrain from eating meat to support vegetarianism and reduce the carbon imprint from cattle and hog ranches? Coldplay made their own Sergeant Pepper
-like uniforms they wore on the Viva tour, thereby proving they possess awesome sewing skills. Who sounds like the bigger band in the world now? What blond movie star and Oscar-winning wife is Bono married to?

Did U2’s Bono heal the potato headed cripple? Did U2 manage a redemption experience for their fans at Glastonbury? Where is The Church of U2 or even Bono, should one even exist? Our Chris was so cool even when a foul-mouthed Bono insulted him in 2009 by calling him a “wanker” and a “cretin.” The exalted Coldplay front man responded to Bono’s calling him a “wanker” by saying, “I always thought he felt that way. I think it’s great that we’re arch enemies – that’s a joke too. We respect any musician, particularly ones who have kept going and not changed line-up and have always been good.” What supreme control and poise Chris exhibits when faced with a mouthy Guinness gulper like Bono’s jealous tirade!

Friends and countrymen and women of Chris: we know in our hearts who reigns supreme! Saint Cobain in the heavenly realm has blessed our Chapel of Chris–that is proof that our blessed endeavor on behalf of the Coldplay crooner is proper and ecumenically correct! Let us now proclaim it for the world to acknowledge: THE BIGGEST BAND IN THE WORLD IS COLDPLAY! They are TOP DOGS, despite the whimpering of BONO! If U2 or treacherous condemned Saint Bono has anything more to say about our divine dogma, then the Irish lotharios should be on the lookout for the next Church woman we sent over to take out another body part of Bono’s before their next big tour!



  1. Dennis (a member speaking for a currently touring-for-the-eighth time this year band that loves your site) on said:

    who has more fans though? We have a debate going on…I don’t mean in general “whos got more” (U2 wins because it has more albums and more of a bigger following over a longer time period), but I don’t think Coldplay is any longer a “fad” band that has a bunch of killer hits over and over etc…I think Coldplay may be AS BIG if not BIGGER than U2 in terms of ticket sales just these last few years etc….

    Can you answer this question PLEASE? I can’t look up the stuff you could…Look up the sales, how many downloads a day, and just kinda compile a messy number that just gives a general idea of who is technically a bigger band PERIOD, right now between these two…
    Thanks… Sincerely
    A band in America that is a huge fan of both and has a lot of connections in the larger community and still can’t get an answer…

    • Thank you for your kind words, Dennis who loves us & is on tour for the 8th time. Your questions do require some digging and googling math figures, which many of the pious and devout among the Church do not excel at. But we will try our best to answer your questions. Perhaps that will be the topic of the next WordPress post on the Church blogsite? The Church of Chris Martin is secretive but I can relay this information: At the Chapel of Chris one sunny morning, many of the Blessed Virgins were transfixed by an apparition in the clouds. The True Widow swore it was the 2nd coming of Saint Cobain but indeed, it was a golden angel that appeared and whispered…GLORY TO CHRIS MARTIN ON HIGH. Now some of the Deacons swore that the angels were telling the brethren that Chris Martin enjoys getting high but after cloistering together at the YELLOW shrine, enlightenment came upon us. The heavenly realm was telling the Church of Chris Martin that we have found favor in the sight of God, Himself, & that He was anointing the band, COLDPLAY, as the most blessed among musicians. Our glorious God confirmed many of our perplexing queries and the golden angel promised #1 hits and sold out tours, providing we, the humble followers continue to pay our indulgences & send out our most beauteous women converts to Glastonbury each summer to “Study Coldplay Lyrics” with any number of fans. I hope this answers some of your questions as we await Mother Superior Most High to be released from Rehab to come and do some internet sleuthing to answer your most esteemed inquiries. May the Blessings of YELLOW be upon you and yours.

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