Having trouble connecting with the sanctity of Coldplay? Has a profane, corrupted world shattered your true perceptions of the magnanimous goodness of Chris Martin? Might you wish to partake more of the blessings that abound in the intrinsic cleanness of Chris? It’s time to get “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZED!”

Praise Heaven and Saint Cobain. The Chris-tal Chapel of Chris welcomes all to a new Liturgy and Teaching:


Church congregants: Let me offer this disclaimer. This new doctrine offers the peaceable fruits of genuine knowledge and understanding of our Great Prophet. No, this is not a chastening class for those who are unable to propel themselves to Coldplay redemption. All are welcome! Sinners and Holy Elders alike! For every Chris(tian)and Coldplay fan: You are a son and daughter of Chris. No, I do not refer to those angelic progeny birthed by Mother Gwyneth: Apple and Moses.

You are a SPIRITUAL SON & DAUGHTER of Chris, but you must seek and accept this divine blessing. You are not chastened and scourged for this because you have done something wrong but because you have done something right. You have hungered for the righteousness of the good Coldplay band and seek to become a new creature in Chris. So, The Church hereby begins the creation of a new creature; a new creature in Chris that you might be partakers of the holiness of Chris. You don’t become holy by observing certain rituals or attending excessive Coldplay concerts. You become holy by experiencing “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION.

Brethren & Sistren: welcome this new teaching that will debut soon at The CHRIS-TAL CATHEDRAL. Oh. I pray that Chris(tians) receive this revelation. The place being prepared is not a place up in the heavens of the sky but in the heavens of the spirit of Coldplay. Abide in the goodness of Chris. Seek clarity of vision—a type of crystalization in essence. In this way, we become one with Chris and he is in us and we are in him. You might say that we have gone to heaven on earth and that is the Coldplay redemption! It saves the holy and sinners, alike.

Oh, that all Chris(tians) would abide in this new teaching! It has the potential to change the human race for the betterment of all mankind! Our brothers and sisters not of Chris are fast falling asleep and into bondage, and can now barely tell the difference between liberation of the spirit and false idol worship of other cool bands. Such is the riddle that can be solved by subugating yourself in CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION. In the fresh breath and light of a new dawn on earth, the dark and rusty shackles of the past fall off and made many glad anew.

So that our CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN may be dressed in a dazzling spiritual finery, and the world marvels anew at our power and glory; might we be the beautiful maiden among the dissolute and unattractive that the Prince of Coldplay chooses as his handmaiden to awaken an unknowing, craven world to his great goodness? For once upon a time, it is told, the Prince among slaves freed his long-suffering people from the nefarious grip of a wretched world and led them all out of the vast kingdom of sin and into a journey across a vast desert and into the land of milk and honey. That is where “CHRIS-TAL-I-ZATION” will take you. Please make your reservations and tithe payments now to save your spot at the CHRIS-TAL CATHEDRAL box office! Amen.


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