Zumba is a Latin-inspired dance workout that incorporates slow and fast rhythms with resistance training to create a fitness program that burns fat while sculpting and toning your entire body. It targets your lower body, abs, core and upper body. But did you know that Zumba also targets YOUR SOUL?
Fresh on the heals of The Church of Chris Martin declaring YOGA to be of Satanic influence, we now have the piously devout SISTERS of the DIVINE ORDER of the SACRED VIRGINS at The Church of Chris Martin insisting that Zumba is also to be feared. These fine women of Chris desire to warn the unwary of the soul decimation Zumba will bring.
According to Zumba, if you follow the regime, you will lose a dress or pant size in your first 10 days. We think they really mean “lose a dress or pant!” Focusing on your earthly body and using sweaty exercise that utilizes enticing moves that simulate sex is a despicable act of the devil that will send you straight to HELL!
These moral concerns about the temptations of Zumba are meant to remind parishioners that at all times, you must protect your divine holiness against unclean urges that make you little better than the wild animals that roam the jungle. Chris has sanctified you into a greater reality of absolute purity of soul. In a world full of evil, temptation, and dangerous sin, Zumba becomes the first step many clueless exercisers will take towards the eventual Lake of Fire, which awaits those who shake their money-makers with Zumba.
Our Church must be constantly vigilant about the potential for our spiritual corruption… this Zumba dancing can be destructive, and invite demons into our lives to defile and destroy us. Yes, dance is mentioned positively in the Bible. Yes, three blessed Scriptures do attest that dancing in the Bible is seen as positive, but it is all in reference to dancing before the Lord or expressing the joy found in the music of Coldplay. Unfortunately, the popular dances and exercises of our era fail to fall into this exalted category. Do not lose your eternal soul to Zumba!
The Bible says: Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” And bad exercise ruins good souls! Share your love foe Chris and the band in healthy ways such as walking pilgrimages to Glastonbury and Yellow Tent Adventure bike rides. You may gather in a group only to throw your arms up into the air and declare your love of Coldplay forevermore. The Church of Chris Martin hereby proclaims: ZUMBA IS DECEITFUL and HARMFUL : DO NOT PRACTICE THIS ABOMINATION DANCE! Amen.