Our Saint Bono has come grievously to The Church of Chris Martin, besides himself with terrible news: Saint Bono’s “pre-tour trainer” and Coldplay “lyrical study partner” Sister Lilith de Sinenomine has been taken by a vicious gang of Euro thugs and forced to work in the sex trade! Our virginal (in name only) Lilith has been tracked down by goons hired by Bono. They found our saintly Frenchie trading her favors for a few Euro’s in that wretched Amsterdam Red Light District. I saw with my own eyes, the Virginal (in name only) Franco Flower winking at amorously inclined men and allowing these fiends to amuse themselves with her! Sacre Couer! What has become of our Lilith?
Bono’s “Glastonbury Rose” is now little more than a strutting harlot! All the blessed divinity and fine learning she acquired as a novice nun at The Church of Chris Martin has gone out the window and Satan has transformed the finest of Church proselytizers into a common prostitute!
We are calling together a posse of anointed Church members to pray for the deliverance of Sister Lilith. She is too valuable a Chapel devotee to cheapen herself in a dank whorehouse. If Lilith wishes to sell her goods, then I’m
sure The Church can find a place for her over at the Las Vegas Church of Chris Martin Escort Service and Wedding Chapel.
We ask that the Goodness of Chris arise and faithfully assist the Flower of the Seine, Sister Lilith, to come home to her Church family and her most worthy “student” Saint Bono. Amen.