YES, CHURCH, the rumors are true, A new teaching has become known and it is about the evil sinfulness of YOGA! That’s right, Mother Gwyneth! THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN NOW CONDEMNS THE PRACTICE OF YOGA AS A TOOL OF SATAN!
HERE IS THE OFFICIAL CHURCH REBUKE, written with ecumenical authority by the Most Holy Deacon, Bishop Bennett:
This is the Letter to the Church on Some Aspects of Chris(tian) Practices in relation to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faithful:
THE CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN HEREBY DECLARES THE PRACTICE of YOGA TO BE OF THE DEVIL. Catholics may not practice yoga, and neither shall we. Yoga is, spiritually speaking, extremely dangerous —it is akin to giving demons a portal to enter our souls. While the Church understands the spiritual restlessness arising from a life subjected to the driving pace of a technologically advanced society that may cause a certain number of Chris(tians) to seek in these methods of yoga a path to interior peace and psychic balance, we must caution that this may not be proper, spiritually.
What the Holy Elders are advising is that congregants be very cautious when approaching Eastern traditions such as yoga and to always stay true to divine concepts of God, humanity, salvation, and Coldplay redemption. Our Church’s concern about yoga: it’s not the stretches and poses that the Elders are worried about, it’s the New Age Eastern mysticism that underlies them and is often taught alongside them. Some of that is contrary and not compatible with our tradition, and if a true believer of Chris buys into it, that might challenge the faithfulness of fruitfulness of our blessed flock.
Our friends at the Vatican additionally warn, that these extreme yoga exercise regimens make an idol out of the physical body. Some even practice NUDE YOGA–an abomination to God and an incitement to sex, for sure!
Let there be no doubt: Yoga is the work of the devil! You think you are just doing some healthy stretching and before you know it, you’ve turned into a Hindu! Because we have saved so many souls from the vicious Lake of Fire, our Church has attracted it’s share of spiritual warfare and wickedness. Satan is always hidden and desires more than anything to trick people into believing he does not exist. The handiwork of the devil is not always out there for us to see: The King of Darkness is stealthy and he studies us and our propensity for good and evil. If he can find a way to invade our souls, he will. For many, Lucifer uses, drugs, alcohol, sex, porn. For many others, it is yoga. Be warned, Church!
Stay strong, Believers in Chris. The Church will hold a YOGA EXORCISM LITURGY to pray for those souls who have been taken by Satan while practicing yoga. The Church of Chris Martin hereby condemns the practice of yoga for all followers. Including and most especially, Mother Gwyneth!!
It is done.