PRAISE GOD! In a heartfelt answer to the ceaseless prayer of many a Chris Martin devotee, the ordained time has come for The Church of Chris Martin to announce a great tiding of merit:
THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN MERCY SEAT!!
Have you had trouble connecting with the Glory of Chris? Are you a mere fan that sits there and nods off to the Coldplay music playing on your iPod? Have you been overcome by Satan and criticized the heavenly talents of Coldplay, or worse yet, thought them to be a “chick band?” SHAME ON YOU! Surely the devil has gotten into your head with unworthy and impure thoughts! You are a blessed vessel for channeling the anointed messages of prophecy and good works that come bounding out of the righteous mouth of the Coldplay songster!
RATHER THAN PUNISH THE BLASPHEMY, THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN SEEKS to BLESS THE WRETCHED REFUSE THAT SEEKS to DEFILE Chris Martin! YOU MAY NOW, for a small tithing fee (tax refundable, no less), RECEIVE PARDON, by placing yourself upon the GOLDEN THRONED CHRIS MARTIN MERCY SEAT. FOR A FEW MINUTES of FERVENT PRAYER and a SINCERE REPENTANCE, you many be forgiven of the mouth sins you cast against Chris. THE MARTIN MERCY SEAT contains a copy of every song Coldplay has ever recorded. There are blessed relics of Chris and what is left of the flattering pictures of the Coldplay crooner not stolen away from us by Father Drobbingdon, when he abandoned us. YELLOW incense burns while the damned are made whole. The TEN COMMANDMENTS–written on stone–by our Arch Pope, upon the founding of this Church, are encased within the Mercy Seat. All who lower their cleansed posterior onto the MERCY SEAT, by the paying of a Church tithe (for processing) shall have every sin forgiven that they have committed against the band and Chris Martin. The sprinkling of Chris Martin Holy Water upon the divine Mercy Seat will ensure that your every sin against Coldplay is faithfully forgiven! The grace of Chris abounds & will come upon you when you lower yourself onto his namesake seat (for a minimum tithe of $100 pounds.)
This is an honor and sacred sacrament indeed, and one that every pious parishioner should partake of, lest they drop dead and face the wrath of Saint Cobain, who will wonder–up there behind the Pearly Gates, why a good soul such as yourself, did not pay a small tithe (for Church administrative costs)and obtain pardon upon The Church of Chris Martin Mercy Seat?