Dearest Beloved Faithful:

In an effort to continue spending the excessive amounts of monies discovered secreted away in offshore accounts by Father Drobbingdon before Mother Drobbingdon finds out and demands a cut, the Church of Chris Martin commissioned an art sculpture depicting the righteous earthly merits of our great and glorious Chris Martin. We had this masterpiece covered in 24 carat gold and prepared a secret location to host our heartfelt artistic appreciation of the Coldplay warbler. Word somehow leaked out before the Church was even able to put together a proper Feast or debauched Celebration event and now we have received a terrible comeuppance from one of our fiercest critics, no doubt a heretic, who will stop at nothing to tarnish the good name of The Church of Chris Martin.

Here is some of what this drooling heathen from said about our gold-plated adoration of Chris Martin:

“Idolatry Condemned by God

Of all the things condemned by God, idolatry is the most serious. The first commandment is this: “You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exo. 20:3). Then in the second commandment God’s people are instructed to worship Him directly and not through any intervening object: “You shall not make for yourself an idol [i.e., an image], or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth. You shall not worship [bow down to] them or serve them” (Exo. 20:4-5, NASV). There are literally scores of other passages in the Bible which also forbid the making or venerating of images.”

Yes, my most Holy of Martinites, a sanctimonious nay-saying buffoon thinks we are “worshiping” an “idol.” The many good Christians, among the Chris(tians) here know fully well that craven images are forbidden to be idolized. Who here at The Church of Chris Martin is bowing down in obedience to Chris? The answer: NO ONE! Our anointed mission here at the Chapel of Chris is to enlighten the world about the greatness of our Coldplay songster!! Our gold-plated masterpiece captures the essence of the playful talent of the “Yellow” singer at his most glorious. In no way is The Church attempting to subvert God or not pay proper respect to our Heavenly Father by trumpeting this loving homage to the Coldplay crooner.


This unfounded criticism and doctrinal attack on our pious group is based on unsubstantiated accusations that may ultimately compromise the ability of The Church to fulfill their mission of exalting Chris.

While we’re in process of gathering the perspective of all of our Church members, please know that we are in the process of calling together a CONCLAVE of CHRIS to begin to process what has been going on with the attack on our good name.

Next month, The Church will hold a national outdoor assembly, at which there will be a great deal of open participation by all the members, and we’re hoping to come out of that assembly with an official Church teaching and liturgy on this unmerited aggressive condemnation from the witless sect. Our parishioners will gather together as one in a communal undertaking of understanding; looking to seek answers on the loathsome defilers who castigate our devotion to Chris as something “Biblically incorrect.”

Our Church stands united on behalf of the Prophet Martin and will never stop at advertising to this wretched world, the Great Glory of His Goodness. Amen.


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