JEWS CELEBRATE YOM KIPPUR / The CHURCH of CHRIS MARTIN CELEBRATES DOM SIPPER

Our Jewish friends have just finished celebrating Yom Kippur–the Day of Atonement with a special ritual outside their synagogues on Sept. 24. Yom Kippur Atonement demands a ritual casting away sins of the past year into the water. “To cast away”, is the practice by which Jews go to a flowing body of water and symbolically ‘throw away’ their sins during the days of repentance between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. If they are not near a body of water, a small pool with a fish swimming in the water will suffice for casting sins away.

The Church of Chris Martin has some strange religious rituals also. But the Chapel of Chris has much to celebrate, as news comes of a virtual sighting of our most auspicious Arch Pope in hiding, Father Drobbingdon. A very astute parishioner detected a secret message from our former Spiritual Sage–“namaste,” which is a common greeting from the Indian subcontinent! Father is attempting to communicate with his tribe of Chris cultists! He lives! Furthermore, Holy Church Elders bear no grudge or ill will towards Father D. Yes, we also practice forgiveness and forbearance here at the Martin Monastery.

After all, Father suffered so, on our behalf. The poor, tormented man endured a messy divorce from an ungodly shrew of a wife and the ensuing financial duress. From the time Father Drobbingdon went into the bunker and overcame his crisis of faith, The Church has rallied around him. When Father emerged from his underground sabbatical, he was a changed man; most particularly since the rats gnawed away at his extremities while he undertook his spiritual transformation. But today, we know Father still loves us. Therefore, The Church of Chris Martin will make this declaration:

LET SEPTEMBER 28th HEREBY BE DECLARED “THE FEAST of DOM KIPPER,” to HONOR OUR BELOVED ARCH POPE, FATHER DROBBINGDON!
THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN PROCLAIMS, IN HOLINESS, the SIPPING OF DOM PERIGNON by CONGREGANTS to CELEBRATE the GREAT CULT-LIKE LEADER, FATHER DROBBINGDON. ALSO, it is an anointed HOLIDAY that we UPHOLD so as to continue in the tradition of Father Dom Perignon, the beloved Benedictine monk, who like Father Drobbingdon, was a spiritual powerhouse!

IN CELEBRATION, shall we all lift our champagne flutes high and toast the great glory that is Chris Martin. Also offer thanks and faithful praise to the One who started it all: Father D. May his cherished memory never fade from Church hearts and mines, no matter how much DOM we shall SIPPER! Amen.

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