THE TRUE WIDOW EDITORIAL: Have Mercy on Mother Gwyneth

Dearest Brethren & Sistren,

I am here today to appeal to your better nature on behalf of Mother Gwyneth. The real threat of ex-communication from The Church of Chris Martin has wounded her deeply. I would like to ask that those of you calling for Mother’s head due to her winning the Best Dressed Woman Award from People Magazine,  to please take a step back and hear my pleas.

Mother Gwyneth, as beautiful and privileged as she may seem to the peasants, has not had an easy life either. The Hollywood actress is turning 40 years old at the end of September. No doubt, that is a traumatic occasion for one that has relied on her looks her whole life. Add to that, the wandering eye of her “devoted” husband and our Church Beloved, Chris Martin, out of Coldplay. Despite putting on the facade that the Martin’s have a happy marriage, many Church insiders know otherwise. Might that not cause a heartsick wife to look for acceptance and respect from the outside world to help prop up her flagging ego?

Dearest Church, look into your own hearts and feel a little of the pain that Mother Gwyneth must feel to know that her blessed husband is chasing around town, pancake-breasted  Kate Bosworth and passed-around vixen Cameron Diaz?  An award from People Magazine surely cheers Mother up and we should not be calling her a “Jezebel” and Hollywood Hussy” because of it.

Before you all go getting on a witch hunt here, let us actually revisit the award to Mother and look at it as a compliment to the Church of Chris Martin. Our womenfolk are attractive and now they are considered chic and well-dressed–thanks to Mother Gwyneth’s example. I would ask all of those full of vitriol to please hear these words from the True Widow as a plea for understanding and compassion towards Mother. I am sure if Father Drobbingdon were here today, he would be mighty pleased that Mother is awarded Best Dressed.  (Despite his always complaining that Mother was a stickpin in fancy clothing.)

I am throwing a Mother Gwyneth Best Dressed Tea Party to celebrate her winning the People Magazine Award. I want all pious Church ladies to put away those dull, dowdy outfits and put on your prettiest, sexy frock. Come on out to the Chapel of Chris Garden this weekend–we are having a get together in honor of Mother Gwyneth! All are welcome! Blessings of Chris Upon you!

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