You have been proclaimed the World’s Best Dressed Woman! What do you have to say for yourself?
All the internet is buzzing: “Actress Gwyneth Paltrow was named the “World’s Best Dressed Woman” of 2012 by People magazine on Wednesday, wowing the celebrity magazine with a simple elegant style that avoids some of fashion’s quirkier trends.”
Mother: you have caused The Church of Chris Martin SHAME by exalting yourself above your husband. The role of a Church consort is to dress modestly, keep a clean home, and pop out some angelic children. It is NOT to go jet set around the world wearing designer clothes and calling attention to yourself.
The Holy Elders wish to remind Mother that she is in danger of being called to a Official Inquiry into Treacherous Behavior. The Teachings on Modest Behavior of High Church Females specifically prohibits vain behavior and the flaunting of the body. Woe to you, Mother, as Shakespeare states: “Vanity of vanities; all is vanity.”
The Bible also has words of wisdom for that strutting Hollywood peacock, Mother Gwyneth!
1 Peter 3:3-4: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
Yes, Mother, The Order of the Perpetual Virgins have condemned you as a Hollywood Harlot and Jezebel. According to the Church Holiness Standards, your behavior is scandalous and a pox on the good name of your husband, Chris Martin. All that fancy finery, heavy make-up and exhibition of skin is SINFUL! You seek to incite lust and sexual desire,and mock the chastity and modest demeanor that the Church demands.
In addition, you are castigated for the wearing of jewelry with sinful intentions. Indeed, many wear jewelry to vainly advertise and flaunt their wealth. But you, Mother, wear it to entice and cause men other than your husband to covet you. Your Jezebel Spirit is a damnable heresy. and sheer paganism.
But there is hope. Holiness is closeness to God, and walking in obedience to His ways, with a loving heart. Holiness is available to all people who devote themselves to God in depth and sincerity. You must recant your fashion status and turn over a humble new leaf.
Mother, The Church demands you reject the honor of “Best-Dressed.” Shun fancy clothes and jewels. Dress modestly and cover up. Help the orphans and widows; clothe the poor. Volunteer at the AIDS kitchen. Minister to the homeless. Devote yourself to good works among the sick and infirm. Only then will The Church of Chris Martin welcome you back into the fold. Honor the goodness that is exalted by the many chaste and pious women that might serve as an example to you now.