Holy Elders were approached by several disbelievers while doing some outreach recently in Manchester. While offering testimony to the wicked souls about the goodness of Chris and Coldplay and passing out lyrical tracks and pamphlets on the band, a true believer stopped the Holy Mission and asked if we could visit a sick man and pray with him. This man had been sick for almost 10 years. The man was very depressed and as a result he stopped going to our church. God forbid, he had even simply stopped listening to the music of Coldplay! He lost his hope in life, gave up on getting any better and his health got worse with each passing day. His wife is a Godly woman who tithed regularly when Father Drobbingdon ran the Church and proclaims Chris Martin as a modern-day John the Baptist. For her true faith and willingness to offer monies to the Church, the Holy Elders agreed to lay hands on her husband and faith heal the poor man..
When the Chris(tian) Missionary group entered this man’s home, we all started crying very loudly For we had discovered the Potato-Headed Cripple! There is street lore and urban legend about this man, and Yes, indeed, his head appears to look just like that of a misshapen potato!. The Glory of God and the Blessings of Chris had led us straight to this miserable wretch whose only salvation would be the iglorious music of Coldplay and the laying on of hands by those that have received the Coldplay Redemption!
The Potato-Headed Cripple was desperate for help. He was begging us to do anything we could to heal him from his sickness. Immediately the Holy Spirit of Chris reveled to me that this man was the victim of Satan’s evil lies and wicked deceptions. His sickness was the result of lies from the Devil and his lost faith in Chris and the band. Because of this lapse in grace, the Cripple therefore was unable to resist Satan any longer. Then, Nirvana’s Heavenly Saint Cobain soul-transmitted a message of faith to share with this man. The message was: Command this sick man to stand on his feet and resist Satan and his lies! Sprinkle Chris Martin Holy Water on him and order the minions of Hades to depart from this very room forevermore! In the Name of Yellow, call forth all angels in both the heavenly & earthly realms to assist in the protection of the Potato-Head Cripple and make his features normal again! The Glory of Coldplay was brought forth into the room with the music of Viva la Vida transmitted while the Holy Elders burned the Violet Hill Candles of Chris and recited the teachings of Father Drobbingdon’s Exorcism Ritual. They jointly laid hands on the Cripple’s Head and hailed the goodness of Chris Martin to enter into this man and heal him in spirit and body!
Soon enough, a bright light came into the room and the Cripple trembled .
The man immediately started raising his hand and proclaiming faith in Chris, praising the heavenly realm, and offering thanks for healing. The Holy Spirit of Chris came and filled the room where we were gathered, as Coldplay music played quietly in the background. The Cripple soon stood up to his feet and began rebuking Satan by the name of Jesus and spoke hosannas to our Great Spiritual Leader, Chris Martin. Suddenly everything changed in this man–Before our very eyes, the Potato-Headed Cripple was completely healed! He started smiling and hugging his wife and everyone was weeping for the good work that had just been done in this man’s life. Later that night, he came back to the Church of Chris Martin service and shared his testimony with the congregation at the Feast of the Piano Fellowship Party.. The whole church rose up and proclaimed the greatness of Chris to heal those souls so far gone. The choir began to sing praises of anointing and many people came to the altar asking for The Church to channel the blessed power of Coldplay to heal their own sick loved ones.
Praise the Lord! All Thanks and Love to our Heavenly Saint Cobain in the spiritual realm. May the goodness of Chris rest in you and heal every evil spirit that looks to take over your body for wickedness.The Church of Chris Martin and those that have received the Coldplay redemption offer hope and help to this world full of sin, fornication, wickedness and disease. We possess the special healing powers to lay hands on and transform a sick cripple into a righteous healthy convert of Chris. Let the world see out special gift as that which will be used only to further our divine and everlasting missionary goal of praising and upholding the Glory of Chris Martin and Coldplay. Amen.
Next up: The Church will call on Chris to help us RAISE THE DEAD!