THE CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN
Pleased to invite you and one guest
to the:Glastonbury Holy Pilgrims 3 INVOCATION-
in honor of the unveiling of the Pilgrim Shrine.
Glastonbury Road-Yellow Tent Event/
Sanctification Stage/ June 2012/ Please RSVP
Join such notables as Father Drobbingdon’s ex-wife (who demands to attend), the True Widow, Saint Stephania, Sister Beatrice, the Virgins of Glastonbury, Deaconess Pamela DD, & various Church altar boys as The Church of Chris Martin proudly unveils The Glastonbury Pilgrim’s Monument to a waiting world. Sip the Holy Chalice of Chris Martin water & enjoy fair-trade coffee; dine on organic, Meat-free Monday vegetarian cuisine recipes straight from the GOOP kitchen of Mother Gwyneth.
Write a message to Chris on the Coldplay Wailing Wall. An actual living Church “Saint” has been invited although he will most likely be busy touring the world with his High Flying Birds. Yes, that would be newly ordained Saint Noel Gallagher out of (formerly) Oasis. Should Saint Gallagher actually show up, the Church of Chris Martin will extend every gracious hospitality to our most recent honoree. Condemned former Saint Bono’s golden throne and mother-of-pearl commode now awaits the usage of the Wonderwall warbler. Sister Lilith de Sinenomine, Bono’s former “pre-tour trainer” will be available to “assist” the new Saint, if desired. There will be a dance performance from the Church of Chris dancers, providing the Glasto vice squad does not shut it down for indecency The lovely Church “artistes” plan an au naturale “interpretive dance” to the song “Paradise.”
The Church of Chris Martin will also have an opening night screening of the Church documentary “Meet & Greet the Tour Buses & Spread the Good Word of Chris.” (We advice that children or the easily upset not partake of this “documentary performance.”
Should the Glastonbury Pilgrims be let out of their court-ordered sex rehab clinic, they plan to also attend the unveiling of their Pilgrim’s Shrine. Let these brave warriors for Chris regale you with their tales of mud and mayhem as they divinely trekked in anticipation of Coldplay redemption. The faithful wanderers will show the great suffering they endured during their pilgrimage as they stayed in shabby UK motels, ate day old meals in front of dusty TV sets, and most appalling–made the acquaintance of several Brit chicks with pasty, white skin, mottled teeth and a most unattractive visage! How those poor men suffered for Coldplay! It is their life-and-death struggle that we honor at the Glastonbury Shrine unveiling.
The Yellow Tent will host several literary endeavors that pay homage to the greatness of Coldplay & Chris:
Learn how to “study Coldplay lyrics” with a nubile member of the opposite sex. Take it to the “next level” with a workshop of “deciphering Coldplay metaphors.” Wanna get lucky-try getting cozy with “puzzles & mysteries of Coldplay lyrics.” Father Drobbingdon’s collection of flattering photos of Chris (those he did not abscond with) will be on display. The True Widow will speak on how she used these flattering photos to turn gay prison ladies into hetero converts of Chris. A “Sacred Address to the Flock” by the Glasto Pilgrims is expected to be well attended; Please RSVP NOW for guaranteed seating to:
Go in the Blessing of Chris forevermore. Viva!