We will not even go there with Chris going bromance with his great buddy, Jay-Z, but a curious thing has happened that all who worship at this virtual church of Chris have noticed! Chris Martin has jungle fever!
Perhaps it is a natural reaction to the Coldplay warbler’s innate preference for skinny blondes. Father Drobbingdon, while he was still with us, once claimed that Chris preferred these string bean women because he was a virgin for so long and felt intimidated by “real women.” However, as our prophet has made the Hollywood rounds and squired many an aging party girl (Cameron Diaz) or well known anorexic music groupie, (Kate Bosworth) perhaps he has come to an appreciation of beautiful, dark-skinned jungle bunnies at last?
First, Beyonce broke Chris in to dark love. Those two are supposedly “just friends” but from the looks of this picture, I bet Chris would like to “Yellow” Mrs. Carter, if given half the chance! Can you blame the poor bloke? Beyonce is a REAL WOMAN, although those thighs can crush a lesser man with one squeeze! Watch out, our dear Chris!
Now he have Chris acting all sexy with Rihanna and singing together at the Grammy’s. Rihanna’s another little hot jungle tamale–perhaps “too hot” for our mild-mannered Brit warbler. But now that Chris is a big rock star, he probably feels entitled to try to get under Rihanna’s “umbrella.” It’s all good. Fans of Chris and the Church should be pleased that Chris is exploring all facets of his desires and feels ready to Viva la Vida unique women beyond those pale, scrawny flaxen-haired toothpicks he normally ends up with. Chris might have grown up repressing fantasies about sexy black chicks and since he was a “good boy,” this might be something that his therapist tells him he needs to act on now, in order to “become authentic” to himself.
Let us pray that Prophet Martin can satisfy his desires properly and that our Coldplay crooner can move beyond his normal taste for bony blond babes and enjoy all that the female species has to offer. You will notice I specifically said “female.” The Church is also praying that Chris overcomes his “unusual” fixation on Jay-Z and realizes that it seems unseemly that he continues to gush endlessly about that New Jersey thug. Now that Beyonce is a happy mother, and not interested in cheating with Chris, perhaps he should try and entice Rihanna away from that dog Ashton Kutchner or that other ghetto thug named Chris–Chris Brown. Nothing like a good 3-way fight for some of Ri-Ri’s “umbrella!”