Attention Friends of Chris: Many devout worshipers deplore the hijinks of Saint Bono in coming to the aid of the Vicious Vagina, Courtney out of Hole. As such, the U2 front man will be defrocked from the Church proper and I would now like to put forward a new Saint to be considered: SAINT NOEL GALLAGHER out of Oasis & The High Flying Birds. I attended a Gallagher show last night and my spirit cried out for any kind of proof that the Manchester warbler is fit to be royalty in The Church of Chris Martin.
I received it by counting the F-words that Saint-to-be Noel uttered during his interactions with the concert audience, whereby the former Oasis songster kept his gutter mouth utterances to under 10 per show! That is a sign from above. The Wonderwall singer even seemed “pleasant” and thanked the audience by saying he “reciprocated our love!” (Although later I heard he complained about all the “old people” in the audience.)
Please see the comments below that Noel Gallagher has been quoted as saying regarding our Soul Master! Noel Gallagher & Chris are friends; he appreciates Coldplay for their glorious prophecy, as we all do. Saint Bono must be taught a lesson! Please consider elevating the great Noel Gallagher to a proper place of exaltation now that he has reformed his ways and come to Holy Conclusions regarding the true merit and divinity of Chris Martin. Amen.
Noel Gallagher on Coldplay:
Pitchfork 5-10-15-20 Article
“Those were euphoric times for me– getting divorced is always a fucking cause for celebration. And I had just met my current wife, who was then my girlfriend. We loved Parachutes, and I still think it’s a great album. Liam fucking hates Coldplay, which made me love them a little bit more. I could appreciate the songwriting. When I heard “Yellow” for the first time, I immediately picked up the guitar and went, “Fucking bastards, why didn’t I write that?” I feel that way about a lot of their songs. And, secretly, [Chris Martin] thinks that about a lot of mine, but he never says it in public.”
Christian O’Connell Interview
“Christian O’Connell: And what new stuff have you heard recently that excites you, because I know you’re into your new music and champion new bands?
Noel Gallagher: I like the Arctic Monkeys album, I’ve got to say, it seems like they’re back. The new Kasabian record which is coming is pretty good. What else? Contemporary new records? Yeah, I don’t think I’ve heard one for a while to be honest, but the new… oh, some of the new Coldplay stuff is good, I’ve got to say. Christian O’Connell: Crikey, look at that, everyone’s getting grown-up now, people are being nice to Coldplay again, everyone’s being nice to Chris Martin, that’s nice. Noel Gallagher: I’ve always been a fan of Coldplay, I’ve liked them since I heard that track, Yellow. I do like them, the new stuff’s good I think.”
Hong Kong Magazine
“Gallagher: I have produced several records but nothing came of of that…I’d still want to produce records for bands that I like though, like Coldplay. They’ve got their own stuff and I’ve seen them live many times. They’re brilliant.”
Noel has also gone on the record on the subject who he thinks are the most influential bands saying he thinks “Coldplay may yet turn out to be important but not so much now.” We here at the Church will take any compliments we can get about Chris Martin from Noel Gallagher, considering how abusive he once was. Perhaps this former Manchester Menace has had a change-of-heart about Coldplay. He is also lucky that Bono out of U2 is on the outs at the Church and this High Flying Bird might soon be our Official Next Saint. Memo to mouthy rock stars: Being nice to Chris will bless you in many way. Amen.