Saint Bono is frantically appealing for aid from several religious leaders to avoid being demoted to a mere mortal at The Church of Chris Martin. The Irish warbler made a fatal mistake by coming to the aid of the Vicious Vagina, Courtney Love out of Hole. The U2 front man suffered an extreme lapse in good judgement by writing this STD-laden shrew a letter of recommendation so she could rent another Hell Hole after being evicted from her last place. This news did not sit well with the Chapel of Chris, His Holy Elders and the very devoted True Widow. These righteous souls demanded Saint Bono pay for his sins by being stripped of his Holy Mantle and Sainthood. As the Church of Chris Martin defrocks Bono, we seek out to exalt a new saint who has now come to his senses about Coldplay and Chris Martin.

It is said that the wife of Noel Gallagher met Mother Gwyneth at some kind of London Day Spa & these two fecund females conspired to get their better halves to say good things about each other. Whether that is true or not, we must first revisit some of the nasty things Noel Gallagher let spew out of his feverish mouth, back in the day he was with Oasis and had to deal with his dysfunctional and devilish brother, Liam.

Yes, Noel Gallagher is currently making the promotional rounds and musical circuits to promote his latest solo effort! The High Flying Birds captain did Chris Martin a major and timely solid, admitting he was a big fan of their music & that he appreciates Coldplay’s songwriting. Who would have thought that possible? This generosity is even more unexpected when you recall that Noel once compared Coldplay to “bland, faceless fucking trainee police officers.” But that was before Noel had it out with his dim-witted brother, Liam, whose mouth is even more depraved and festering than Noel’s. The fact that these two brothers are Gallagher’s is enough to mean that they normally get their jollies from bashing other musicians.

However, this obligation to hate seems to have evaporated in Noel Gallagher. Perhaps the former Oasis bad boy has had a revelation of sorts and come to a Holy Conclusion that Coldplay rocks and Chris Martin is a prophet–words that this Church has been proclaiming all along. If so, this is surely a blessing and a major step forward for what were formerly termed by Father Drobbingdon–“the imbecile Gallagher brothers.”

As such, the Church of Chris Martin will go forward in their efforts to proclaim Noel Gallagher an official Saint of the Church of Chris Martin, as long as he maintains control over his Manchester mouth. The conscription into Sainthood will be proclaimed this weekend at The Chapel Of Chris Liturgical Summit. May all who seek redemption in Coldplay rise up and give glory to our-soon-to-be-newest Saint, Noel Gallagher, formerly out of Oasis and currently out of the High Flying Birds. Amen.


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