BONO THREATENS TO RETURN TO DALLIANCES with TEEN AGED GIRLS if the CHURCH STRIPS HIM OF SAINTHOOD TITLE!

His humanitarian campaigning, do-gooder impulses, and friendships with world leaders have served Bono well. Even his fervent Catholicism seems to have paid off with an easy audience visit with the Pope at the Vatican. On the surface, Bono out of U2 seems like a good guy and a nice family man. However, off duty, the U2 singer seems to have a second personality–and one in which young, nubile teens play a big role.

Pictures included show the 48-year-old with his arm round two bikini-clad young girls, (not his wife or daughters) as they carouse at a beach bar in St Tropez. He also joined his angel-faced companions for more drinking and dancing aboard Bono’s private yacht.

Bono wants to ‘change the world’ but we here at the Church of Chris Martin politely suggest that Bono reign in his tendency for young flesh and try harder to “change his world.”

I wonder what Mrs. Bono would make of this? It is this extreme lapse in good judgement that caused the Irish showman to curry to the needs of Courtney “Harridan” Love when she needed someone to vouch for her to get a new apartment in NYC. Bono, apparently, to the rescue of the Vicious Vagina. Not so fast, says The Church of Chris Martin. This little “favor” is grounds for termination of Sainthood. Bono is aware that Heavenly Saint Cobain–our ministering angel in the eternal realm–is there precisely because the herpes-lipped Widow Love had her husband put down due to imminent divorce actions.

For Bono to get back into the good grace of the Church proper, he will need to condemn his aid of the she devil Love. Bono will need to make amends to his wife for this scandalous assignation with these teens in the South of France. Certainly, this is no “pre-tour training,” but if Bono tries to make trouble with the Church of Chris Martin over his defrocking, we shall send another passionate Church “worshiper” his way to put out his back once again and maybe something else too!

Those who are exalted in The Church of Chris Martin have a duty to uphold themselves in the best light possible. No matter that our namesake prophet Martin cats around on Mother Gwyneth in Hollywood with a bunch of skinny blond minnies–he is confused about his marital state and is “working out some personal problems.”Nevertheless, Bono is now no longer a Saint and Noel Gallagher is! Perhaps Bono should find some more tender young flesh to grapple with in a South of France jacuzzi to ease the pain of being no longer a Holy Eminence in the Church of Chris? Viva!

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