Word has come to the Church Gates of Chris that our Blessed & Exalted Saint Bono has been corrupted and done such a wicked thing as to become worthy of an official Writ of Condemnation. The U2 front man has not been right in his mind ever since a passionate Church women put out Bono’s back with some “pre-tour training” right before the 360 tour started. Perhaps more than just the Irish warbler’s discs were put out of joint; now we see that Saint Bono has gone against Church doctrine and actually vouched for the Vicious Vagina aka: Harridan Courtney Love out of Hole. His words managed to get this roving herpes infestation a new pad in New York after the oozing STD factory was about to be evicted from her old place. Saint Bono is well aware of the feelings of antipathy and dislike that all devout Church of Chris Martin congregants hold against the Vicious Vagina.
Bono’s rebellion and heretic blasphemy shall be officially denounced and the U2 crooner shall now be served with an official dreaded Church of Chris Martin Writ of Condemnation. This moral failing that tops the Church list of greatest evils is one that is objectionable due to a specious arrogance on the part of Saint Bono. This Guinness-guzzling Irish egomaniac breached something that shall cause his spiritual eminence to now be called into question. The Church hereby condemns Saint Bono for abject intellectual recklessness, demagoguery, sophistry, and similar moral crimes. The very fact that he helped the horrible witch that many fear played a direct role in the passing of Heavenly Saint Cobain is a slap in the face to the Church and to the True Widow
of Chris Martin must hold people morally responsible for their transgressions, even Beloved Saints like Bono. We cannot abide this type of treachery that is harmful to all mankind. The Church of Chris Martin hereby will call a CONDEMNATION CONCLAVE tonight to read the Vespers of Rebuke on Bono. The great U2 rocker is hereby put on official Church Notice that should he EVER come to the aid of the Villainous Vicious Vagina again, Saint Bono will be permanently banished from all glorification, expelled from Church honor and upheld as a traitor to Chris and to all the Saints in the heavenly realm..
Pious congregants: light your candles and come forward where devout worshipers can pray for the soul of Bono and cast a curse on the vile Courtney Love, a female demon that roams the earthly plane in search of more rock stars she can ruin and kill. Stand strong against all enemies but praise those who are good and blameless. May the put upon soul of Bono be strengthened with a resolve to fight off Satan’s handiwork and may the Blessings of Chris rain upon all in a flurry of Coldplay omnipotence forevermore. Amen.