POPE BENEDICT WELCOMES BACK THE RESURRECTED CHURCH OF CHRIS MARTIN

Pope Benedict has issued an official Vatican welcome to the resurrected Church of Chris Martin. Though the Holy See mourns the mysterious disappearance of our once-titular head, Arch Pope Father Drobbingdon, the Catholic Representative of God has announced he will unveil a most gracious EDICT OF PROCLAMATION that will ecumenically instruct the Catholic hordes and masses that our great Chapel of Chris is a part of the earthly brotherhood of righteous Chris(tian) souls of merit.

HERE IS THE PAPAL MISSIVE unveiled at this past Sunday’s ROSARY OF SAINTS:

“The geography of Christianity has changed dramatically in recent times, and is in the process of changing further. Faced with a new form of Christianity, which is spreading with overpowering missionary dynamism, we welcome our brethren and sistren at the newly resurrected Church of Chris Martin. Though mainstream Christian denominations don’t often offer the sly wit, outright defamations and satire-like ennouncements that this virtual Church does, that does not mean the Papal Roman authority cannot proclaim them to be less worthy of our brotherly affections.

There are terrible forms of so-called Christianity with little institutional depth, little rationality and even less dogmatic content, and with little stability. That is not the case here at The Church of Chris Martin. The Holy Elders are devout and pious souls of great intellectual promise and wisely steer their faithful minions forward towards even greater ecumenical glory. The women followers are known to be the most comely and attractive of all Church women and Father Drobbingdon once confided in me that they revere Chris Martin so greatly, that they feel like they have become “Chris(tian) prostitutes.” Despite stories I have heard of these chaste women along the sides of the muddy roads to Glastonbury and “studying Coldplay lyrics” with the rock stars of  various tour buses, I prayed to God and found solace with the facts here that bring praise to all who “come” forward for God.”

Holy Elder True Widow then broached the very serious subject about the on-going civil war with the coldplaying.com and how The Church of Chris Martin can respond in a loving and compassionate way to those coldplaying.com beasts who wank incessantly, are functional virgins and still live with their alcoholic mothers?

The Great Holy See graciously sidestepped this hot button issue and tried his Blessed Best to not impugn the dignity of the nitwits, jackals, idiots, and lame-brained blasphemers and infidels that reside at coldplaying.com.

His words of Vatican advise to our Flock of Chris: “This is a topic we have been dealing with for quite some time and I have to admit that sometimes it is a bit of a nuisance as well and given that it is such a pressing issue I now officially bless and sanction any Church actions necessary to alleviate the misery and useless utterances of infamy brought upon the Church of Chris Martin by any scurrilous actions and impure statements of defilement stated by the coldplaying.com heathens.”

It is the Papist intent that we continue to press forward with our chosen Good Fight against the demonic influences of coldplaying.com. Let me ask all members in good standing to take up our faithful crusade and unify together as one, not just in the “studying of Coldplay lyrics,” but as rightful spiritual warriors of the Coldplay warbler and battle for ultimate Coldplay internet victory as the one and only true virtual Church of Chris to be upheld forevermore. Amen.

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