I know you see me scratching that terrible itch. I may look like a wide eyed dreamer but in reality, I am cold, hard bitch. I just rolled off a tumble with Rod Lowe in my dirty touring bus. Yeah, on the outside I look fragile, but I really am just a wuss.

I like to call my Martin family a burden akin to a parasite. I had to drop out of “The Danish Girl” movie with Nicole Kidman, because I can get so uptight.
‘Cause I maybe a big Hollywood star, but I always am bringing on the drama. The nuns at The Church of Chris Martin say it’s because I have bad karma.

I am hoping like hell to do another juice master cleanse. There are so many herbs that I am taking, I have to wear Depends.

To keep my liver clean, I do shots of wheat grass & dandelion tea. I drink so much organic, filtered water, that I am always having to pee.

Red splotches on my body tell me it’s time for another colon hydrating rinse. The water going up my vagina reminds of sex with Chris & I wince.

Like the spoiled, entitled Hollywood brat that I was while growing up, now I am just a spoiled, entitled Hollywood wife who needs another detoxifying treatment of the Chinese Medicine Cups.

You may call me a GOOP fool and that I am. But at the end of the day, it is me crawling into bed with that Coldplay ham. Now that the garlic and black walnut hulls have done their mighty work, it’s time to go back to cuckolding Chris..cause my parasites are gone and I’m just a country jerk!

I get dry skin in colder winters and sunburn in the long summers without a drop of rain. I don’t mind exercising 4 hours a day. In fact, if I don’t do my pilates workouts, I tend to go a little insane. Push me out onto the red carpet with my designer shoes and spray tan; I always look so absolutely fabulous and I am my own biggest fan!
‘Cause my Parasites gone, I’m country strong, I look sexy when I wear a thong; if you think I’m a stuck-up, ice queen, you would not be far from wrong.


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