Dearest Holy Ones:hear our entreaties upon the merciful God that he will grant our request to honor and ordain a True Friend of The Church of Chris Martin #2.
The grace on the lips of Dear Sister Stefania Ep shines forth like a beacon-fire of true devotion to the Blessed One, our musical Prophet Chris Martin, out of Coldplay. Thus illuminating our universe and bestowing upon our fallen world, the treasures of Chris Martin’s talent, gentleness and good works. But as thou has instructed, we seek out cherished earthy souls to aid our cause of teaching the world the merits of Martin. Worthy souls of redeemed virtue and with a true understanding of Church teachings are to be upheld in honor as they have become an ecumenical example of chaste piety and devotion to the Coldplay warbler.
Thy voices shall go out into all the world, in those that hath received the Good Word of Prophet Martin, instructing the wicked, miserable, fornicating, demon-possessed masses that there is Hope in Coldplay redemption. May our ordaining of a loyal Facebook Friend and true apostle of Chris be an example to all who love the Brit balladeer that a well-pleasing God will look kindly upon the Church of Chris Martin #2 and bless our small group with burgeoning membership and supreme power to stamp out the scourge of coldplaying.com forevermore. It will also strike the fear of God into those debased rock stars who might issue mouth utterances that cast aspersions on the wonderfulness of Coldplay and Chris.
O Royal Priesthood of Chris Martin, Sainted Heavenly Cobain, and assorted other Friends of the Church, we pray today for the ordination of Sister Stefania into the Anointed Pilgrims of Chris Martin. Allow that our souls may arise in the assumption of Coldplay rapture and that we be as one in a divine delight of eternal love for Chris Martin. Sister Stefania has been found worthy of the glory of the Exalted Honor of Saint in the Church of Chris Martin #2. It is commanded and proclaimed that February 27th will hereby become the official day of celebration and jubilee in praise of the merits of our NEW SAINT STEFANIA EP. Today will we hold the First Feast of Saint Stefania in the Church rectory but as it is commanded by Chris to be another Meat-Free Monday. As such, we must only enjoy vegetarian cuisines and free traded alcoholic beverages.