Mother Gwyneth Paltrow recently launched THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit. It is a snobby version of those Colon Cleanse kits you can buy at the Vitamin Shoppe for $20. This  modified version of the Blessed Mother’s beloved “go-to cleanse,” THE GOOP CLEANSE costs $425 and consists of the following:

• Protein powder
Fiber powder
• Probiotic

• Insulin regulator
• Cleanse Manual
Digestive enzyme
• Encourage: Stronger probiotic
• Herbal anti-microbial

*Liver support


Is it any wonder why our beloved Soul Master is so devoted to his wonderfully concerned wife, who cares about your colon health, and by extension, thinning out your wallet too?


Now the Bony Blond from Hollywood would like to FIX YOU with her newest product: POOP!


Because Mother Gwyneth is so obsessed with perfecting her inner person, she has now become enlightened about the role of bowel movements & their place in the full spectrum of life. As GOOP as brought a haughty relevance to those 1%-ers who can actually afford all the over-priced scrapbooks and exotic cooking ingredients Mother hyperventilates over, now comes Mrs. Martin with an urgent desire to cause the fecal matter to flow graciously from your overextended bowels!


YOUR POOP KIT    (inspired Mother Gwyneth says “by Coldplay,”)  consists of:


*Violet Hill (Prune Juice)

*Strawberry Swing (Vitamin C emulsion)

*The Scientist (disposable  bowel speculums)

*Shiver (anti-diarrhea herbal remedy)

*Yellow-(anti-jaundice relief for hepatitis)

*Lovers in Japan-(sushi enema kit)

*The Hardest Part-(natural stool softeners)

*Hurts Like Heaven (constipation poetry)

*Charlie Brown (bowel color interpretation)

and last, but certainly not least, something that The anointed wife of our Soul Master promises to make you feel like a Queen when you are on your bathroom throne:


*The Reign of Love-(assorted comfort accessories to make you feel like POOP royalty-a tiara or crown, bowel signet ring, velvet-draped cape and golden scepter-which can be used to pound on the walls for the help to assist you. The POOP inflatable toilet seat offers a stylish yet comfortable alternative to the usual bathroom decor quandary.




Many pious female parishioners in our Chapel of Chris insist that Mother Gwyneth is full of shit. If that is indeed true, it is her fervent desire to help you to GOOP your POOP!  Mother knows well the wretched acts that go on in the bathroom. But she is no  bowel terrorist. It is no small feat that she looks as perfectly beautiful as she does and that fact alone is the best endorsement we can give of Mother’s POOP! for more info.



  1. I’m laughing hysterically. Let me guess the ingredients are black walnut hulls and Chapparel. I got a phone call a while back from a friend of mine who Gwyneth has befriended also anyway my friend Michelle calls one night asking what those herbal remedies that kill all your parasites. Oh well who cares at least she’s doing something good with my info although an Oz. of Chapparel cost about $1.61 and Black Walnut Hull costs about $1.50 an Oz. wow that’ s quite a killing you are making ol’ Gwennie.

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